Avoidance

10/June/2006

The title is not a cliché, please do not treat it as if it were.

For two days, I have sat in my room doing nothing. I have intentions to tidy up, go out, eat, scrub the toilet pan out. However, I must have the modern day alcholism; escaping myself to the computer. I don't chat or read, program, draw, or even listen to music. I merely sit at the computer rebelling against my life.

I'd like to get a job, I'd like to travel, I'd wouldn't even mind so much if I did do those jobs I keep promising myself. Why do I keep avoiding everything? In the bigger picture, these past two days really aren't as troubling as the years I've wasted doing exactly the same. I have potential, so my teachers stated in my record books. So why doesn't it shine?

To digress a little: yesterday I did log back into an old account of a dating website; I felt lonely. It took only a fraction of a second to remember why I don't bother wasting my time on such things, the reason being: people don't actually like me.

However, I did a search and before I knew it, I was there chatting to Chloe via an irksome java applet. This was not my plan or my idea of relief through escapism. Treated with the same cold contempt that any idea I have, or anything I say will undoubtedly be a completely fascist undertaking.

After wrestling a few conversations out and making no headway with the grand plan of trying to prove that I am not a arrogant goof. I gave up, said goodbye and logged out.

So back to the main story. My room, my office room, is burried under paper. Half of which I don't have a clue what it is, which is in fact a lie, a lot of it is university hand-outs, bank letters, marked reports, etc. I dread the idea of trying to sort it out, as I know I'll never read it, I'd prefer to just put it in the recycling bin. The reason I don't do this however, is probably all due to the fact that I'm dreading more the fact that I have to go to Spain in the blistering heat, and undoubtedly end up working earning nothing for that barbarian father of mine.

I am strongly of the opinion that there is a strong negative current where I live, and causes me to fall into my state of depression, everywhere else makes me happier than being here, yet I do not go anywhere, as I'm not welcome anywhere else.