High Fidelity


In reference to the John Cusack movie, directed by Stephen Frears.

In many ways, I can totally relate with the character of this film. It takes a certain type of loser to be like that. The over emotional, melodramatic, hypocritical turd, who thinks about everything too much and mopes about how he has been done wrong. Never seeing that by the same token he has done precisely all the same bad things he feels punished for.

Life is all about Tao, you get what you give and in one's full life one will have experienced most if not all of the great and tragic experiences and emotions that are there to be felt. Sure, this is to all varying levels and no two people are going to have the same story to tell, but the experience and lesson learnt is going to be the same.

So, my all time top five most memorable breaks ups in chronological order are: Patricia, Jo, Natasha, Chloe and Alexandra. The earmark of all these was the length in time it took to get away from it. Even despite Patricia's breakup was not deep and damaging hurt suffered by me, the guilt of the pain I caused onto that girl sure did make it hard to move on.

Jo, she was a lousy girlfriend. I got the strong and distinct feeling she didn't actually like me. She smoked in a way just to spite me, and you'd be hard pushed to believe she wasn't a mute for the lack of conversation between us. The break-up was more memorable than the time we spent together. I was about to split up with her, and she comes out and tells me we were finished. I was happy with that, in fact it saved me the hastle of doing it. Later it bothered me, what had I done so wrong to be dumped? I tried my hardest to be the good guy, and yet I got dumped. That took ages to get over, maybe more the fact that my ego was bruised.

Natasha, she was one charity case I couldn't help. I tried and tried and tried, and it ended up biting me on the arse. I should have let it pass over and admitted I couldn't help. Again, my ego was in the way. After many details I shall spare you of, we split up; my call. We stayed in touch and chatted quite a while afterward, we almost got back together before I went off to Spain one Easter. When I came back she had met some other guy. She used to call me when he was out and hang up when he got home. It made me feel worthless and if it wasn't for Chloe I'd probably be dead now.

I met Chloe online much like Natasha. Although, I met Chloe as a lame excuse to have sex; to escape the pain caused to me by Natasha. We had sex, and I moved in. The relationship was, and stands alone to being the single most strangest relationship that cannot be out-lived. She was under-aged, rich and spoilt and consequently her dad asked me to move in despite the age margin, and not knowing me. Any just and reasonable person would have been out of sight by this point, not me. The relationship ended at that three month point where the fun bits have gone and monotony sets in, I wanted space; she took it as a break-up. I found myself packing up and moving out and although we initially tried to stay friends online, the week after she was already with some other guy. This tore me to pieces. I became bitter and sordid, I came out with every insult and personal truth I could trawl from the bottom of my gut and flung it in her general direction. Hence why she doesn't speak to me nowadays. :p

Finally, Alex. If anything, you're probably the first and for a long time only person to read this. Alex, was the sort of relationship you'd have if you could find a mental clone of yourself, and then really find how much you hate so many things about yourself in that other person. The relationship was self deprecating, the more you discovered about the other person the more you hated yourself. In fact, the more you forgave the other person the more you'd kick yourself for being so soft on your own shortcomings. Sort of how parents hate themselves for spoiling their kids, and yet do it because it feels better getting a smile from the kid than constantly being whingey. However, we certainly didn't spoil eachother too much. We knew each other so well that we knew each and every flaw inside and out and giving eachother a psychological beating was a fun Saturday night in.

So why am I writing this? I guess, while I could make the melodrama of how hard done by I have been, I guess what I am really saying is, I'm a miserable sod who enjoys the self pity. I even think that is a lie, I just want someone to actually to feel sorry for me. The modern trend of not doing so makes me feel more deserving for it. Everyone is so hard and cold and straight with their answer, "Get over youself", "You sap of person!". What possible upshot does the person get for being this harsh? I get it all the time and it sure doesn't help in the slightest. Before, well before, maybe it may have worked, I thought it was cool and helped me a lot get my head out of my arse, but now it is just rude and more hurtfull.